In April 2023, the Supreme Court of India started hearing petitions around legalising same-sex marriages in the country. This has brought a very rigid Indian mindset to the surface. Marriages are only valid if they serve a purpose. It makes one wonder about what decision-making around marriages in India really looks like. For a long time, marriages in India have been limited to heterosexual relationships and intended to improve social ties, societal standing, financial worth and lineage.
The decisions around who to marry, when to marry and why to marry were made by the elders in the family and input from the couple involved was not welcome. Back then seeing your spouse for the first time on your wedding day and accommodating them regardless of incompatibility was normal. Husbands were expected to make a living and wives took care of the home, bore children and tended to the elders. If you look at it legally, there are separate Acts to define marriages within different religions and a Special Act if you want to marry outside of yours. However for a long time, not many dared – it was a decision that a few made.
Today, the idea of marriage within India has evolved. The divorce rates have been increasing notably in the past decades and the younger generations, especially millennials are learning to say “no” to traditional systems. The concept of marriage as a millennial has taken a new meaning and people today are looking for more than just “someone to grow old with”. They can pay their own bills, enjoy living alone and learn how to cook, obliterating all traditional ‘needs’ of a marriage. Millennials want partnerships.
That said, when it comes to making decisions about marriages as a millennial, here are some parameters to consider before you tie the knot.
Relationship with Money
Whether you want it or not, money does play an important role in everyone’s lives. This means your partner’s relationship with money and how they manage their finances can impact yours. You both have financial goals (or not, which is again something worth talking about) which might change once you get married. Figuring out how both of you perceive money, its value in your life and your goals around it is one of the first decisions you need to make before getting married. Try and focus on specific things such as rent, groceries, investments, vacations, large purchases (such as a house or a car) and even the size of your wedding. Keep in mind that each individual’s upbringing majorly shapes their perception of money and you cannot simply expect your partner to change their thinking overnight.
Relationship with Families
Decision-making around Indian marriages cannot exclude extended families. Even if you moved to a city seeking independence, what does your current partner expect from you? Because Indian marriages are still a family affair. It is crucial to discuss your partner’s relationship with their family and to what extent they will be present in your married life. Do you want to move in with your in-laws/parents or find a house close to them? If not, at what point do you expect to move closer to them? Considering this, you cannot sideline the cultural expectations in India, especially from a woman after she is married. Make sure to understand the influence of your families, their expectations of you and your partner’s response to them.
Core Values
Marriages are a long-term commitment and require you to make decisions that focus on the future. As a millennial, you have worked hard to create and retain your beliefs and values, set boundaries and build a circle that nourishes you. So when you get married, you don’t want your spouse’s values and beliefs to affect the life you have built for yourself. Ideally, some core values such as honesty, respect, trust, compassion, discipline, empathy and communication are non-negotiables in any relationship. While this decision cannot be made overnight, once you start discussing marriage, it is necessary to identify your core values and seek them through your partner’s actions.
Decisions Around Having Children
As a millennial, financial stress and the need for independence have become part and parcel of your adult life. When discussing marriage, it is extremely crucial that you talk about having children. While people do change, you cannot bank on that to marry your partner. So ask your spouse whether they want children. If yes, how many and by when?
Childbirth and parenthood affect women more than men, especially in Indian society. As a woman, it is important to know what you want and be clear about it. Consider basing your desire to have kids not on your partner but on yourself. As a man, it is important to know that after childbirth you might have to do the heavy lifting, especially since paternity leaves aren’t as common. Consider talking about how you will manage work, personal life, romantic life and social life once you have kids.
There are many questions you can ask about having kids before getting married. Will your parents be involved in raising your kid? What beliefs will you raise them with? What will their religious beliefs, dietary habits and social lives be like? It is vital that you are on the same page. You can even consult a child psychologist if you have to. A child deserves to be raised in a happy home and that cannot happen if you aren’t prepared to create it.
Political Inclinations
The political environment in India requires you to talk about this. While having different opinions might seem okay when you are just dating, marriage can change things. Your spouse can make major decisions on your behalf, will be more involved with your family and will influence your children’s perspectives too. Keeping that in mind, it is important to talk about your political inclinations, religious beliefs and cultural stances. However, in the end, this might not matter if your core values – especially respect and communication – align.
Decisions around Location
Long-distance marriages aren’t common in India and if you really want to build your home with someone, you’d like to live with them. Now this can be easy if you live in the same city, but if not, how do you plan on working it out? It is just as important to talk with your partner about whether they expect you to switch jobs/quit and move. If yes, where do you move? How important are your careers to you and will moving affect that? While this might seem insignificant, tiny things like this are usually the ones that can create huge barriers in your relationship and intimacy.
Are you still wondering about questions to ask your partner before getting married? To sum it up, finances, children, location, familial involvement, core values and political inclinations are some core topics of discussion. Decisions around marriages in India are not easy, but with the right person and the right questions, you might just be able to nail them.
